Me and Jesus

Up until my high school years I was pretty much the dutiful Christian boy having been conditioned to love Jesus with all my heart by parents who unfalteringly believed every word in The Holy Bible. My parents were faithful conservative Southern Baptists and because they were, my sister and I were too. I was taught to believe in an omnipresent God, The Holy Spirit and, most importantly to me, Jesus Christ of Nazareth as the human embodiment of God Almighty. Before his death in 2005 My father was an avid reader and student of history. He read countless books on biblical history and ancient civilizations and he used that information to solidify his knowledge,credibility and faith as a Christian. My mother was then and still is a gentle comforting Christian spirit who never faltered from her faith. I watched her for many years as she assumed the role of the powerful but comforting hand of God. As if on call for the Almighty, she arrived in the middle of the night and at all hours of the day at people's homes or in hospital rooms to pray with and comfort those who were troubled or in pain or near death. I was humbled by the goodness of my parents. I hesitate to say any more because frankly after I left for college and got out from underneath their parental influence, I began to search for my own truth. Some would say there is no truth, there is only opinion and with that thought in my head I looked outside of Christian literature with it's pre-conceived conclusions and illogical incongruities contained in the scriptures. Perhaps that was where I made my first mistake...questioning the veracity of religious tenets by examining contradictory viewpoints. And I read them all. I scoured book stores for books on the life of Jesus and the early church. I read books about how so called biblical miracles were performed with explanations on how ignorant people in ancient civilizations were duped into believing they were witness to God's wrath and power. I read several books on flying saucers, time travel and ancient alien astronauts that claimed to explain away events previously misinterpreted as visitations from angels and messengers of God. Demons were explained away as mental disorders and miracles performed by Jesus were merely tricks of technology known only to him and the planet where he really came from. It all sounds ridiculous but I gave all these ideas thoughtful consideration because I was searching for God and the Truth and I was never convinced that any one school of thought was sufficient. I was particularly impressed with a book written by Michael Moorcock in 1969 with the provocative title "Behold The Man." It was a science fiction story about a man named Karl who was himself searching for truth...and he was a man with a time machine. And who could forget "Jesus Christ Super Star" and the 1973 movie with the same name. It portrayed Jesus in a different way but also in a different light... as a man not truly convinced of his divinity and furthermore unconvinced that he has to die. These are the images and ideas that have brought me to where I am today...believing in God but with doubts about who and what Jesus really was. I really do wish I felt differently. It would be simpler...more of a comfort... but for all I've seen and heard... nothing...even just simple faith...is sufficient so far to make me a true believer. I am still waiting. Don't quote the standard "He's at the door knocking...you just have to let Him in." It's a cliche to me.

I remember singing hymns in church as a young boy standing next to my father and looking up past the back of the Baptist Hymnal into his face. It was full of joy and assurance as he sang his distinctive harmony to "The Old Rugged Cross." It was my favorite too. Oh, how I wish I could feel that way again. To be re-convinced of what is true.