Only half of this story is true. The other part? Well, let’s just say it has been “enhanced for your listening pleasure “
It is a sordid tale of graveyards disturbed by teenagers in the dead of night and the re-animation of things long considered gone from this world.
Let us begin
Teenagers…1971…graduated and rudderless for the Summer until moving on to college in the Fall. Jay and Rick contemplated how to fill the hours of those sultry summer nights in the small town of Slidell. Not backwoods small mind you, just boring small. The sky was wide open with nothing to do and nowhere to be. What to do… what to do indeed.
On that one particular weekend the two boys settled on cruising the boulevards… Gause and Pontchartrain, the main drags for teenage angst to erupt. Soda shops, drive-ins, pizza parlors and burger joints. Convenient locations down the strip for teen drama to play out. Jay picked up Rick in his car just as dusk took its full hold on upon the night and then suggested that they pass by the Frostop to see who was there from their high school group. As the saying goes, “every party needs an angel” and Jay reasoned that maybe they could find one or two girls among the familiar faces in attendance there. Chicks, babes, skirts… they immediately change the dynamic of a boy’s night out. Something about the presence of a female… a cute female …sitting between two guys in the front seat, that triggers the male ego to attempt to impress or ,dare I say, entertain the girl. What could they offer her that would create an air of mystery for the evening to come. In hindsight I suppose the boys could blame the whole thing on her… Paula… the “Angel” in the car…the random inclusion in the mix…the good girl, kind and sweet, who had no business participating in what would soon be proposed… blame her for the bad decision they eventually made that night. She could be their alibi.
There’s another old saying that seems appropriate here. “An idle mind is the devil’s playground.” That really sums up that night in a nutshell. Teenagers not thinking things through and instead choosing the bad thing for lack of a better alternative.
And so the three of them Jay, Paula and Rick set out to create some excitement for themselves in the small Southern town of Slidell on that obscure date in 1971. I should interject here that the aforementioned excitement did not include alcohol or anyone making out or getting naked with one another. At least not on this night. Paula made that very clear before scooting across the front seat of Jay’s car. She was not interested in making out with either of the two of them. So the rules were set and the boundaries were defined, and Jay and Rick’s egos were conspicuously bruised. Both boys realized at that moment that each one would have stood a better chance if alcohol had been procured and the other had not been included at all.
As I said previously, Paula was a good girl.
The town of Slidell had more than its share of forbidden places to go after dark. Maybe not so forbidden but foreboding to be sure. Secluded places, shadowy places ,roads that led to nowhere and dilapidated buildings that reeked of bad vibes. And of course cemeteries. Places where teens go to achieve privacy and intimacy and to raise spirits who dwell in the dark hiding behind headstones. Places where urban legends reside.
One such place was Pony Ranch Road on the outskirts of town.,Not only was it a great place to “park and misbehave” but it was also the dark, brooding, lonely road that led to Haas-wood Cemetery.. This particular graveyard was said to be the final resting place for the formerly local scary monster known as OnionHead. He was in fact a poor misshapen soul unfairly accused by others for the disappearance of a child. And so “history” said he was the victim of angry mob violence. Pieces of his ravaged corpse purportedly sprinkled and scattered about the graves of other tenants and of course cursing the very grounds themselves in the process. So the legend says, but did any one of the three on this night really believe it? For the sake of an adrenaline rush on a sleepy weekend perhaps they told themselves they did. Having decided to visit the spooky graveyard and attempt to locate the headstone of OnionHead , Jay started driving to the outskirts of town, with the radio blaring “It’s Too Late” by Carole King, to Pony Ranch Road and to the scene of the eventual crime that would take place at the cemetery by the three “juveniles in training.” Driving down the length of Pony Ranch Road in the dead of night produced a feeling of uncertainty and regret that only increased as they reached the clearing where the graveyard gate stood. One could liken it to the feeling of arriving at the front door of an arranged blind date. It seemed like a good idea before hand, but now one had the urge to turn tail and run. The three exited the car and began moving slowly toward the gate and grounds beyond, looking somewhat like The Three Stooges in a haunted house. Comically cautious with trepidation.
To say the cemetery was poorly tended was a kind assessment. It had all the charm of a Potter’s field neglected past the point of saving. Among the mounds and headstones , weeds and overgrowth had infringed upon the individual graves while fungus and mold and wild mushrooms grew into the stones themselves. Jay, Paula and Rick waded through the overgrowth , clutching one another’s hand or shoulder like the Scooby Doo gang tracking an illusive ghost, looking for the one stone belonging to the mythical monster. This would be the scene of the crime, albeit a small one. Find the headstone and load it into the trunk of the car and escape with the morbid prize.
Unfortunately finding the proper stone wasn’t so easy. Frankly, who would put the name “OnionHead” on a tombstone? None of the three had any idea what his real name had been so when a single headstone was found with no name engraved , they all decided that it would do. The inscription on the stone simply read, “Shall We Gather At The River.” A cryptic message barely legible beneath the dirt and mold and the spongy brown mushroom fungus attached to it. Paula was quick to identify the inscription as words to a church hymn that she herself had sung. She watched while Jay and Rick struggled to place the heavy stone in the trunk and thereby completing the task and the mission. It wasn’t exactly grave robbing, but it was close, and one thought remained in each of their minds as they drove slowly back down Pony Ranch Road and back into town with their prize. But to what end, they each thought now and in the aftermath of the deed a kind of bubble of guilt engulfed the car as they eventually arrived back in town to savor their “bravery” in completing the deed.
What if the curse was real and what would be the price they each would pay? In reality probably nothing. Teenagers don't really believe in curses
and in the light of day Jay, Paula and Rick were no different. But all three recognized criminal mischief and so it was decided that they would return it to the graveyard.
Maybe it was that bubble of guilt that alerted the police to stop them once they rolled back onto the boulevard with the damning evidence in the trunk. Or maybe, and more likely, it was the cloud of dust gushing from the trunk leaving a kind of smoky wake behind the car, not unlike a mosquito fogging truck.
The boulevard was teeming with activity by now. A cavalcade of street lights and cruising cars and teenagers hanging out in the nighttime air. As luck would have it, Police officer Ray Bennett was patrolling the boulevard and witnessed the curious sight as Jay, Paula and Rick maneuvered down the busy street and into the parking lot of the Frostop unaware of the dust cloud trailing behind them. Initially, Officer Bennett thought something in the trunk of the car was on fire and so he was compelled to investigate for obvious reasons. He followed the three as they pulled in and, before stopping, he chuckled to himself as he watched them hastily jump out of the car. He assumed that it was only when they stopped that they realized what had been happening behind them. In short, they had managed to spread the dust a considerable length down the boulevard, engulfing dozens and dozens of teenage bystanders and adults alike, covering them with a light blanket of the substance.
In a state of confusion they opened the trunk to see what had happened and it was then they realized the strange transformation that had occurred. The purloined headstone was still inside but the attached mushroom had increased in size significantly and was now a large orange-brown pulsating mushroom mass apparently spewing forth an endless stream of fungal spores and releasing them into the air.
“What the hell is that?”, Jay shouted out to Paula and Rick who were equally perplexed.
“Holy shit, is that thing alive?”, Rick said in a low inquisitive tone. “But how?”
“You guys need to get away from that thing. That stuff could be poisonous “ Paula calmly suggested.”We should have never disturbed the grave. If I believed in curses I would think this thing maybe it. What have we unleashed on the town? Even worse, what am I going to tell my parents!”
“We’ve got to do something.”Jay declared. Something before the cops show up.”
But the words were barely out of his mouth when Officer Bennett appeared on the scene slowly ambling toward them.
“Oh shit, the jig is up.” Rick said dejectedly. “What were we thinking?”
Officer Bennett walked over and inspected the contents of Jay’s trunk and was relieved that there was no fire, but then the questions started amid the awkwardness of the moment.
“You kids have something you need to tell me ? ‘Cause if you don’t I’m likely to think the worst about this whole situation. This is your car, isn’t it Jay?
Jay answered nervously but resisted the urge to tell the truth entirely.
“Actually , we were just on our way to return something and we ran into a teensy bit of trouble, Sorry about the dust but I think we have things under control now.”
Raymond remained skeptical. “ So, how about it Rick, do you have anything to add to that. Can you tell me why you three felt the need to “crop dust” the boulevard tonight?”
Rick hesitated with an evasive response. “That was kind of an accident, we were just hangin…”
Raymond interrupted in mid sentence.
“I take it you’re the princess of the party tonight Paula. Anything you need to tell me? Let’s start with this.”
Raymond shined his flashlight beam into the trunk. “ Can anyone of you tell me what on God’s green earth is that?”
Paula stayed true to character and spilled her guts to Raymond about the whole sordid plan. After all, she was a good girl.
“We stole the headstone on Onionhead’s grave and it turned into a giant mushroom and now we think it has a curse or something on it. That’s it. Can you please help us , because I can’t get arrested. My mom will kill me.”
“Yep, that just about covers it. And ditto for me about the mom thing.”
Jay seemed relieved by the admission now.
Raymond said nothing while processing the situation and moved closer to the massive mushroom blob and noticed it was no longer emitting the dust. “Hmm, seems okay now but it’s still moving a little. That’s odd.” He paused for a moment and gave his verdict. “Okay, here’s what I think. You three get back to Haas-wood, drop this thing back where you found it and that will be the end of it.”
“But what about the curse?” Paula blurted out. “There’s got to be a reason that thing was shooting out that dust. Mushrooms release spores into the wind and sometimes they’re poisonous and even deadly. That might be what the curse is.”
Rick had been listening to the conversation taking place, and was impressed with Paula’s knowledge of mushrooms, but he was also observing the crowds forming in the street on the boulevard and they were behaving strangely. “Hey guys, maybe you should all stop talking and look at this crazy shit going down. That dust… that mushroom dust … it’s like it’s turning everyone into zombies. Take a look!”
And sure enough Rick had called it right. Everybody turned around and looked down the street at the crowd forming in the middle of the road. shuffling around aimlessly at first, shoulders slumped, and faces devoid of emotion as if in some kind of collective trance.
Eventually the massive group began to move in unison and they began walking slowly down the boulevard as if following instructions from some unseen force. They walked down the street moving southbound out of town.
“Okay things just got weird. This changes the situation drastically.” Officer Bennett declared.
“If they’re zombies now. does that mean they’re dead and does that make us murderers?” Rick yelled. “ Oh shit, we can’t fix this! We’re in too deep now.”
“Raymond , you’re gonna have to shoot ‘em all so they stay dead, right?
That’s our only option at this point.” Jay calmly reasoned.
“Just hold on a minute Jay! I’m not going to shoot a bunch of people because I think they might me zombies.
That’s crazy. And besides I don’t think they’re actually real zombies.” Raymond declared.
Paula finally chimed in with a suggestion. “This is all connected to the headstone in some way. Maybe it’s controlling them with its mushroom dust… you know, like in that movie. The spores turned them into mindless slaves but they weren’t dead.”
Rick sounded relieved. “ So we’re not killers then, but what are they doing?
Where are they going?”
Raymond speculated., “ Looks like they could be headed out of town to Rats Nest Road maybe … the docks and piers by the lake.” Raymond paused a moment analyzing all the facts so far. “ Wait a second, Paula , what does that inscription say on the stone… something about a river?”
“ It’s says , shall we gather at the river, I told you all , it’s lyrics to a hymn.” Paula answered.
Jay suddenly had a moment of clarity.
“But what if it isn’t lyrics, what if it’s like a hypnotic command. The headstone controls the mushroom and the mushroom controls the people.”
Raymond listened to Jay and put the final pieces together. “ Look , I don’t much believe in curses , but if what you’re saying is true, it could be that all these teenagers are headed to the lake which is connected to the Mississippi River. This whole thing … the curse is OnionHead’s revenge on the townspeople who wrongly accused and then killed him. These kids and everybody else who breathed in the dust…they’re headed to the nearest body of water… but why?”
Jay responded quickly. “Well, I don’t think it’s for a beach party. All we know about OnionHead tells me that he wants them dead.”
“Oh my God, the mushroom is telling them to go jump in the lake and drown.”
Paula exclaimed. “That’s diabolical.”
“But what can we do now? How can we stop them?” Rick asked.
The hour was late on that certain summer night in 1971 when Jay, Paula and Rick reawakened the curse of OnionHead and caused havoc on the streets of the otherwise sleepy town of Slidell. With the help of Officer Bennett, the three resolved to destroy the mushroom and the stone by sending it to the bottom of the Lake and hopefully killing it for good before the horde of zombies could make it to the lake on foot themselves. It was a gamble. Their last resort.
The three climbed into the front seat of Jay’s car and sped off into the night headed to the piers and docks along the bank of Lake Ponchartrain. They maneuvered past the crowd in the street and Jay put his foot to floor as they raced ahead to hopefully save the town from the fateful curse that waited for them all.
The End
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