I was raised to believe that marriage was a sacred institution and a lifelong comitment once entered into. Of course having now been married twice myself and now single for many years since, it still amazes me that anyone bothers to go through the legal steps of tying the knot. Its not really a permanent knot though. Its more like a slipknot. From what I've read recently, traditional marriage is on it's way out. Its being replaced by simple cohabitation that provides all the benefits of marriage without the legal entanglements. But still it seems to me that this arrangement carries with it it's own complications of the emotional and financial kind and ,although both parties are affected, I believe that women have the most to lose in "playing house" with "live- in" sex partners.Cohabitation is a fancy term for what my mother used to call "shacking up." Despite the warnings about bad reputations that follow women in such arrangements, females today see it as their only opportunity to avoid spinster status. But why do men agree to these types of living arrangements? Its obvious to me that today's younger generation has accepted the premise that marriage is at best a short term proposition, something they learned from observing the world around them. God and Community still figure into the equation sometimes but I think I have zeroed in on why young women and men embrace the concept of cohabitation as a replacement for legal marriage. Each gender has their own reasons though for buying into it.
Why do men get married or cohabitate? It helps to know a little about men and what motivates them to do anything. One of my core beliefs these days is that men are basically pigs -selfish and opportunistic. Before the criticism starts I will qualify the statement by saying both genders suffer from imperfections of character and basic human frailty. I know that. Young men, however, have a lot to prove to themselves and to their peers and that is where the trouble starts for young women.. There is a collective rush that men experience in their twenties and thirties to confirm their manhood and sexual identity.through identification with women and the conquest of them sexually.. Its nothing new and nothing that women don't know about men. In today's society however, women store that information in the back of their mind and disregard it. I liken it to having an alarm clock that keeps trying to wake them up to the truth but with them constantly hitting the snooze button to avoid reality. It leaves them easy prey for opportunistic men. Few are real con men, most are just leeches looking for validation from willing women. Men basically desire five things from women, (1) access to "long term, no- strings- attached" sex, (2) satisfaction of their need to spawn children that will perpetuate the illusion of their own immortality, (3) to confirm their sexual identity to their peers and to the world,(4) to provide a mother replacement figure that will care for them just as a mother would and (5) for financial support in part or in full.. This last reason is actually the number one strategy for men in their quest to enter into a no commitment sexual living arrangement. Its the males task however to convince the female that it is all for love and nothing more. Meaningful companionship is way down on a list that men reluctantly admit even exists.A.man will promise commitment to a woman until he doesn't want her anymore..In a cohabitation situation this can be awkward at the very least and devastating at its worst. Women suffer most when living arrangements go bad. But lets say that it is a marriage situation after a period of cohabitation. Statistics say that people who cohabitate as a testing period begin with negative attitudes about marriage in the first place.will generally fail at marriage, leaving the woman abandoned still. Young couples convinced of their own infallibility will enter into the arrangements because they believe, mistakenly, that living together, and certainly marriage, will assure loyalty, stability and sexual fidelity. Of course , neither arrangement provides any of those things.
Why do women cohabitate with men or seek marriage? There are five reasons that occur to me -
(1) The fear of being alone and dying alone. Having been in a bad marriage before myself, I can honestly say that there are worse things than being alone and one of them is being trapped in a marriage that has gone bad. Marriage never has nor ever will provide protection from being alone, and frankly ultimately everyone dies alone. It is not a couple's activity. (2) the belief that there is no Prince Charming waiting to appear. There is no Mr. Right for them that is the perfect fit so they settle for the one that pops into view and who quotes, most convincingly, romantic babble purloined, not from great Romantic poets, but from teen sex movies and raunchy sitcoms. (3) to address the maternal instinct in the absence of a child. Some single women get pets to care for, others find a husband to raise as a child would be raised and domesticated. On the down side though, cohabitation results in unwanted children from careless, casual sex and children change the equation dramatically. In "temporary" relationships women pay the price for casual sex and men flee with no real responsibility except to their own conscience.(4) the need to feel loved even in the absence of deep feelings or real compatibility.(5) the need to prove their desirability and worth to their peers and to the world. As I have indicated both genders share the need to participate in certain rites of passage. Unfortunately those rites lack a sense of permanence for both sexes. Relationships and living arrangements and attitudes about true romance are seen as nomadic and serial in nature. Again women suffer the most from the phenomenon of serial cohabitation and multiple marriage. Ironically their worth as an acceptable mate for any man is lessened after so many temporary mates.
My beliefs about cohabitation and marriage ,and any pairing off of people with one another, come from observation-empirical rather than hypothetical. Experience has tainted my belief in true love and romance. I see the word romance as a substitute for emotional self preservation, more of a biological need than any mystical state or some soul tie to another. Arguing against marriage is like arguing against religion. Traditional teachings are difficult to abandon because they are reinforced by cultural myths taught by institutions. The institution of marriage reminds me of that phrase, "what is and what should be." Men enjoy this new phenomenon I think but women need to stop hitting the snooze button. Women should learn to discern the difference between infatuation, lust and the survival instinct of the opposite sex, Hasty decisions can result in long term misery.
Many great observations on love and marriage Rick. Still, some of your points are reflective of your own perhaps inappropriate attitudes which are expressed in rather sweeping generalizations about men and women... and in your own mind, the mythological nature about true love you have come to accept as a fact not only for yourself, but for others. No doubt, it is a fact of life where your experience is concerned(and possibly other men and women too) and I can appreciate that honesty. It does not fit for everybody though. In my life, I chose to focus on the truly loving-in-love relationships I observed as my "Ideal Model Marital Relationships," and that was what I wanted. I think I learned a lot and perhaps as much from the "Flawed Relationships" I viewed growing up in much the same way that I saw and learned from my own Dad's alcoholism. I enjoy a beer or a mixed drink as much as anyone, and even exceeded my limits on rare occasions in my youth. That said, after my 23rd year I rarely drank too much, and for the last 25 years, limited my "Rare" drinking to a couple of beers (usually with sea food! Mmmm). I was always looking for the "Ideal Relationship" and was never able to find it in my younger years when I did want children, a loving wife, and family setting. The demands of my Career also played a huge part in my not getting married because I felt if I couldn't find the time and energy to be a good husband & Dad, I would rather just go it alone. Now that I'm laid off (about as satisfying as not getting laid), and am existing in forced early retirement with age discrimination and serious health issues dogging me, the up side is I have time to pursue a meaningful relationship... finally. As you wisely posit here, everyone's views on Love & Marriage is definitely based on empirical-observed experiences, but also on upbringing. If you would allow yourself to lose some of your cynicism, the real true romantic I know is in you might express himself with the exuberance I have observed and known you to do in your past. I have been so privileged to have known you all these years as one of my most precious friends, and in every iteration of what makes you, well, you. Your ideas and writing are provocative, entertaining, and consistently thoughtful, even as viewed through your tendency to see life through a prism of cynicism. You remain one of my most endearing best friends.
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