Thursday, November 10, 2011

To Vanish


I am fading from the world
and walking through it's walls
smashing into pieces the windows of heaven.
washing the earth from my feet.
gazing up into the clear and starry blue
to cross the bridge of doon.

counting down the seconds and the minutes
of what used to be.
floating
where memory and reunion collide
music falls to silence having lost it's power
falling and passing through the floorboards
bringing down the house of psychedelia

shedding love and hate
doubt and certainty
forgetting joy and regret
uniting with the air to vanish
when all of reality slips away
and finally
there is only me.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Chloe


What started as a typical Fall celebratory outing for a church youth group in Lacombe, Louisiana ended as a tragic mystery fifteen years ago that still today baffles local authorities and townspeople. On a farm in nearby Hickory where families and groups go to experience walking through cornfields and picking their own pumpkins straight from the patch, 14 year old Chloe Chandler entered the popular Corn Maze attraction with 4 other teens that Saturday night but she never came out.
As a rule corn mazes are considered harmless Halloween fun, certainly in the light of day but many groups turn out in the hundreds for the extra scare of the night time walk through this particular maze that features walls of intimidating cornstalks seven feet or more in height. Navigating through the maze can be a frustrating proposition especially in the dark, armed with only a flashlight and the shaky support of equally confused companions. Some maze walkers have admitted to being stuck inside for an hour or more before asking for help from a staff guide. Certainly it is still considered the less frightening alternative to another Halloween tradition... the haunted house. It was a choice that Chloe and those with her had made, never knowing that it would end in tragedy. Upon realizing that Chloe was missing from the group, farm employees performed a search of the grounds but came up empty-handed. Church group chaperones panicked. The search soon escalated into a police search and subsequent investigation. As is common in this type situation, authorities suspected foul play even hinting at kidnapping for the intention of rape by a deranged sexual predator. The less sensational possibility of a teenage runaway scenario was dismissed after interviewing Chloe's friends and family. She had never been one to exhibit strange or odd behavior and for all appearances seem to be a normal teen.
So what happened to the previously unremarkable Chloe Chandler? No one really knows for sure but the aftermath of the event is the truly chilling element of this story.
On the first anniversary of her disappearance night-time maze walkers first reported seeing an apparition resembling the form of a young girl following them or in some cases seemingly trying to show them the way out. The descriptions from various encounters are consistent in details even down to the girl's pale features and ghostly clothing. Most people dismissed these reports at first claiming they were concocted by attention seekers, but every year on the anniversary of Chloe Chandler's disappearance similar encounters were reported by night time visitors. The farm owners had no explanation and deny even now of perpetrating some kind of publicity hoax.
The corn maze in Hickory no longer exists. Hurricane Katrina destroyed it in 2005 along with all of the pumpkin patches that were so popular on the farm. Although the farm and pumpkin patches did eventually come back from the destruction in recent years, the maze has never been restored. What remains of the story is an odd epilogue of sorts. Townspeople still wonder what happened to Chloe but assume she is dead due to the other stories surrounding her vanishing. Today the farm owners reluctantly admit to sightings of an apparition of a young girl in the remaining pumpkin patches adjacent to the field where the corn maze once existed. Looking out of their farm house windows they can see it slowly walking down the rows alternately vanishing and reappearing as if its struggling to keep form. Additionally they report that there is a noticeable and observable effect on the pumpkins that she walks near on her night strolls through the patches. In the mornings after these sightings, upon inspection, the perfectly good pumpkins from the previous day would be over ripe and rotting showing signs of mold and blistered decay. When pressed for an explanation the farm owners speculate that if the corn maze was somehow able to "take" Chloe ( a possibility they shy away from accepting) then perhaps her spirit was able to escape when it was destroyed and only remains because she cannot accept what happened to her... a young melancholy spirit still grieving her own death and spilling out that grief on to the fields of a farm in Hickory, Louisiana. What happened to Chloe Chandler was never repeated as far as anyone knows but her story remains on the back burner of local memory and it serves as a reminder of how things in the dark deserve our respect and that our fear may well be justified.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Through The Past Darkly

Before attending the class reunion I sought out the advice from an old friend who attended her own reunion last year for Salmen High in Slidell. Her only sage advice was this..."keep smiling and most importantly don't forget your reading glasses." As it turns out...excellent advice. With a few exceptions most old friends bear no resemblance to their previous selves and the name tag becomes the only clue as to who they are. The years do change things,
If you're like me you spent the hours previous to the reunion revisiting old haunts in a town that is hardly recognizable through old eyes. The houses where I used to live...still there but somehow indifferent to my existence. The school playgrounds where we built straw houses, the courtyards where we talked, the stadium walls that we scaled and walked...all changed or completely razed for the sake of some newer enterprise. Hmm...a depressing reality. Time stands still for no man. Elvis has left the building and he's not coming back. It's left to us individually to reconstruct that old reality from our own memory and keep it alive. The new reality however is so insistent on being acknowledged. One has to close their eyes and fall into a sleep and carefully navigate the dreamscape that once existed.
Reunions hardly seem necessary these days with so many ways to stay in touch and reminisce. Camelot and Brigadoon. It has to go away so it can come back. That's the essence of reunion.
People who know me... I mean really know me... understood what returning to Slidell meant to me last weekend and why it was particularly important where the event took place. This reunion not only took me back to graduation but back to the very place where I first felt love for another human being, and her house was where beauty dwelt. It is foolish I know but seeing that one person in that house after so many years still made my heart beat faster. Yes...foolish.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

You Have No Lines




You have no lines in this play.
The part belongs to someone else.
After long deliberation I felt that it was best

Some lack the heart to show true depth
And you are one of those.
The stage is a back and forth that you could never master.
A dialog

An expectation that you never understood.
Perhaps a monologue is right for you.
Or another play...away from me.
Another human being on another stage.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Reunion


R: Holy Shit. It IS you!


J: Excuse me. Are you talking to me?


R: Jackie...you don't recognize me? Wow that
hurts.
And after all we meant to one another.


J: Oh my God! Ricky? This is too much. I heard
you
were sick a few years ago. I actually
thought you
might have died.

R: That was a rumor...started by sick,bitter people
who actually claim to be my friends. Nevertheless,
I hope you sent flowers.

J: Hah...don't flatter yourself. I've been busy
living life dear boy. Academia...what about you?

I thought you were going to be a rock star.

R: Yeah, well sometimes life has other plans.
But you...I thought you were going to cure cancer.
How did that work out?

J: Very funny. Life has been okay. I hope to retire
from teaching and research in the near future.

R: (awkward pause...looking her over)
Christ you're
fat! Is this what happens
when you just don't give
a shit what other
people think of you?


J:( sudden restrained contempt)...You're one to talk.
What happened to your hippie hair and grand artistic
expressions? How is the world better because of you?

R: I could ask you the same question but I think I'll ask this
one instead. Were you always such a bitch and I just didn't
notice?

J: Hey, YOU started this conversation. And you know what?
You were, and still are, a whiny insecure little asshole.

R: Oh really...coming from you that means nothing. Have a little
respect for our past relationship. As I recall you WANTED to
be a member of my harem. Admit it.

J: Stop living in the past, Ricky. It's a dead end.

R: It pains me to hear you say that, Jackie. What hurts the most
is that it brought us here to this moment and now the memory
has changed.

J: Sorry to burst your bubble sweetheart.

R Did I happened to mention that you are a bitch. Not just a bitch
though... a world class self-absorbed micro witch.

J: Fuck you.

R: Nooooo...Fuck YOU. ( pensive pause) It's no secret that I
always liked Cindy more than you.

J: (noticeably irritated) Oh really? Well SHE always liked BILLY
more than you. Hah...take that you dickwad loser.

R: That's it. We're done ( walking away) Eat me Jackie!
Just eat me.

J: It would be a small meal Ricky... a very small meal....(an insincere smile)

R: Stop calling Ricky! It's Rick.

J: Yeah, I know ...rhymes with dick.

R: Oh fuck you ( nearly gone then stops and looks back)
I guess this means we won't be seeing you at the reunion?

J: Oh honey... I wouldn't miss it for the world...not after today.

R: Bite me!

J: You're so juvenile...but just for the record... eat ME with a spoon.

R: Fuck you.

J: Fuck you. (continues shopping)

Friday, August 5, 2011

Is That Enough For You?


I will greet you in the morning
And sleepily share the early hours
Over coffee and cinnamon rolls
Then rush to work after light conversation.
But I will never love you.

I will bless the evening meal
Prepared by you and enjoy it's flavor
And be thankful there is money enough
To do more than eat and sleep and work
But I will never love you.

I will compliment your dress and hair
And assure you that others will be envious
I will explain away the grey and wrinkles that appear
as a figment of unwarranted worry.
But I will never love you.

I will hold you to my breast and comfort you
When sadness and despair take hold
And likewise laugh with unrestrained relief
When joy and happiness see fit to show.
But I will never love you.

I will watch your favorite movie
And confirm it’s worth to me
Hum the catchy melody of a song we both once knew
And verify the truth that it contains.
But I will never love you.

Alone at night my eyes fill up
An emptiness unspoken
The plain and simple horror
Never acknowledged or revealed
I will never love you.

The silent interrogative.
Is that enough for you?

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Flatulence at 50,000 Feet



Above him was the black void of eternal space…peppered with glistening dots of sheer light and streaking brilliance. The clouds below, and on either side, resembled a soft blanket of wispy cotton intermittently torn and alternating with the azure blue sky below. They offered no resistance to the forward motion of the dull black object that was the aircraft, a sleek,ominous sharpened blade of super sonic Teflon capable of traversing miles of airspace in literally fractions of any given second. At the helm of this technological wonder was the pilot-astronaut Black Devil. It was the military moniker of the man behind the wheel…the lone occupant of this super duper flying machine. There in the cramped quarters of the cockpit was a solitary man clad in what was humorously referred to as his Sunday go to meetin’ lunar tux…that is, his airsuit. It was a somewhat annoying collection of oxygen hoses that provided a closed system of purified air housed in the body of the craft.
The air supply connected to the suit at the lower back and also in the front on the helmet’s face shield. An instrument panel glowing a dark orange reflected onto the visor of the pilot distorting the features of the man called Black Devil.
His vehicle was one of a mere handful of similar stealth airships capable of such high speed and stellar altitudes. His current mission,Operation Moose and Squirrel, was like many of his previous missions. It involved taking pictures of locations and things that were deemed sensitive by those higher-ups in the Defense Department. In laymen’s terms he was photographer in charge of a high-tech camera taking pictures from high above the earth. The information he gathered was important, but only a privileged few ever laid eyes upon the data collected. It was to aid the decision-making, strategy-forming process that took place routinely behind closed doors in the Pentagon’s proverbial smoke-filled war room. Although the craft was a powerful weapon of its kind. It carried no offensive weaponry to inflict destruction on a specified
target, and furthermore, it possessed no defensive mechanisms. It packed no heat simply because it needed none. Nothing in the sky, jet or missile could overtake it. When in flight above the clouds, silently cruising on the edge of earth’s atmosphere, occupying that thin line between heaven and hell, the Black Devil, alone and unmatched, was his own deity. Hey,nobody up here but us gods. It was the posture he took.
Attitude…altitude…exhilaration…acceleration. Perception was the key word in this situation. In this celestial isolation, 100,000 feet, 2,000+ miles per hour,
Zooming through the ether, one perceives the world and its members, inhabitants of the clay, rock and dirt, as much smaller. They seem less significant than if one were staring across the suburban backyard of the neighbor grilling weenies and ground beef on a Sunday afternoon in the Spring. Yet that is presumably the military mission.
To preserve such traditional American freedoms. Despite the insistence that he must serve his country and subserve to the commander-in-chief or profess allegiance to the flag, that as not the actuality. His purpose was to preserve the stability that he had worked toward for his
family…for those he loved on the ground. If happiness was attainable by photographing the faceless ants on a foreign anthill, then so be it. If security could be had by shining a super keen flashlight on the other guy’s weenie roast, then warm up the hypersonic station wagon honey.
The assimiliation of the two roles of stealthmeister and good ol’ dad was at times difficult to do. What do the immortals do when God takes away the car keys? One must play ball with the movers and shakers of national security, and Black Devil knew it as well as anyone. One does not attain this kind of responsibility without demonstrating one’s allegiance to the company.
He was not without his own sin however. Black Devil was of value to the powers that be and that knowledge bestowed a sense of superiority about himself over other men. I am one of the elite. The privileged…I am possessor of Excaliber, the weapon of kings…of gods. It had the power to change the heart and mind of the occupant. It had the power to make him believe in his own immortality and to scoff at the pitiful existence of all others below. I am master of all I survey. These thoughts had crossed his mind and this assumption had never been challenged, and so it was the posture he assumed. Supreme manipulator of the Deus Ex Machina.
There were times when it seemed too easy to cheat time and space. His craft was truly a technological marvel, effectively shrinking the world and the universe. Another piece of cake, he thought as he adjusted the bright array of lights on the controls. His ascent was complete and all that was left was a silent cruise for the next hour. It would again be uneventful. It always was. Black Devil selected a tape from a small collection of classical music he kept in the cockpit. He quickly selected Tchaikowsky and inserted it into the player that fed into his head gear. No radio. No noise…save the violin concerto now beginning in his ears. Black Devil relaxed now and leaned back to rest while the stealth machine did it’s work on autopilot.
Taking it’s pictures. Protecting his country in it’s own inimitable style.
Black Devil smiled and closed his eyes and mused to himself look ma, no hands. He just slightly noticed the discomfort in his belly and blamed the snack he had before takeoff for the pain. He listened for a few minutes and again noticed that the feeling had not subsided. A momentary panic struck him as he reminded himself how embarrassing it would be for the stealth lord Black Devil
to return to base with soiled underpants. He was trying earnestly to wipe the thought out of his mind when it suddenly happened. Within the confines of his airsuit and not heard by another living soul, Black Devil cut one. A bonafide storyteller might refer to it as a real trouser flapper. He passed gas with a loud resounding razz. The sound was only surpassed by the accompanying rank odor escaping from himself into his airsuit and helmet. He probably would have expressed a sigh of relief had he still been conscious, but his eyes shut tighter and he began to drift into unconsciousness. His head was swimming as a result of the release of the noxious gas from his own body. As he went under he heard the violin fade out and then there was nothing.
#
The moment arrived when Black Devil finally awoke. He quickly opened his eyes to gather information about what had actually happened, and a flash of remembrance as to where he was penetrated the fog in his brain. What had happened? What foolish nonsense had transpired? Questions quick fired in his mind, but also the realization of something very wrong. What was missing?… he thought. And then it hit him as to what it was. The constant hum of his dual turbojets was gone, and along with it, the forward motion that defined the power of his craft. Black Devil surveyed his surroundings…soft,billowy cloud formations as thick as pea soup fog. And in the midst of it, his craft held…seemingly suspended in the clouds…absolutely motionless. His eyes skimmed over his instrument panel checking the airspeed altimeter, his gyro-pilot.tachometer.compass. All were dead. What in the hell?, he thought. He collected his thoughts and reasoned that he at least was alive and so far in no danger of falling out of the sky. As crazy as it seemed, he and his wondrous craft were hanging in thin air with no visible means od support. Could this be some cruel joke?, he thought. But there was no laughing. No wizard behind the curtain exposing the charade. No candid camera. No comrades in the closet waiting to pop out and yell surprise. What could he do? There was nothing to do but sit and hope. One thing was sure. There was no need to open up the cockpit and stick out his thumb.
His confusion turned to concern when all at once, in the distance, he heard a loud thunderous thud followed by another that echoed in the clouds. It sent a shudder through the Black Devil. He felt his aircraft move as if nudged by something unknown and he became nervous.
He could not radio for help. Even if he could what would he tell them? I’m just stuck in the sky here. The thunderous quakeing in the air persisted in jarring the plane like a continuous tide against a nearby shore. Still the craft sprung back like a puppet awaiting further instructions – trapped and held in the grasp of thin air. He rationalized that some foreign power could be behind it. Perhaps some top top secret defense weapon –counter espionage, anti-stealth…some kind of giant fly swatter. His thoughts were racing. What to do? Ejection? Was that in the manual? Maybe if he knew where he was but unfortunately…location unknown. Altitude unknown. Stay put… he thought…for the time being. Suddenly there was a calm. The rocking blows ceased and he thought that perhaps the worst was over. He momentarily mused that he wished he could disconnect his airsuit, open the hatch and climb out on the hood to see what the hold up was. In every horror movie he’d ever seen looking for trouble was never a good idea. But this was no horror movie. This was Black Devil of the United States Air Force. There was no fear, however there was no reason to invite danger. What if this was some screwball UFO abduction? That possibility was not very inviting, only if he made it home later. Poke me with your probes…just when you’re finished drop me off at the nearest all-night grocery with a quarter to phone home. What a joke he thought. That would be some kind of de-briefing session. He could live out his days selling his story to the tabloids and lecturing at every UFO convention in the country.
From out of the silence, barely discernible, he swore he could hear something again. A creaking noise outside.
No, not a creaking or a squeaking… it was a scratching…a gentle scratching from behind on his plane. There was no way to see. His vision was limited to straight ahead out his cockpit window. In his confinement there was nothing to do. The scratching grew more pronounced as if some long, jagged fingernails were digging into the hull of his craft.
More like claws though as in predator. The possibilities were, at this point, endless. His imagination took over. Reality was breaking down. He compared his predicament with that of the great adventurers of myth. Is this what happened when Jason went looking for the Golden Fleece? Unimaginable creatures rising up out of nowhere to foil his mission. Damn! Pilots see things all the time. They bring back wild stories about things in the sky. What was the tall tale during World War I? Gremlins…evil little creatures attaching themselves to wings… fouling up engines...terrorizing pilots with impish glee.
If a plane crashed back then gremlins were to blame. All of this seemed crazy until the footsteps came clunking up behind him atop the fuselage of his craft.
#
If Black Devil had expected to see a human figure peering down into his cockpit, he was most seriously disappointed. The burning red eyes that stared back at him sent a chill down his spine and put a lump in his throat the size of a tennis ball. He clamped his eyelids shut for a moment and then opened them to check his sanity. Could it be a bizarre reflection… a trick of light? Black Devil had no choice but to accept what his eyes revealed to him just a few feet away from his face separated only by the shell of his cockpit. The creature leaped from behind and landed squarely on the front of the cockpit window giving Black Devil full view of the nightmarish thing toying with his craft.
The thing was grey with scaled flesh and clawed appendages and bat-like wings stretching some thirty feet from end to end. It reminded Black Devil of a gargoyle. It was larger than any human figure he had ever seen. It peered inside and examined the figure inside the craft with a hungry curiousity. The thing stared with seeming delight at the passenger inside the cramped quarters as a cat would eye a bird in a cage. Black Devil estimated the winged creature to be fifteen to twenty feet tall with satanic reptilian features. A green oozing substance covered portions of its grey body giving it the look of something spat from hell.
It was terrifyingly clear that death was close at hand and was delayed only by the thickness of his cockpit window. Black Devil feared that the creature could, if so inclined, easily punch a hole in the window. The perspiration formed quickly on his brow. He chanted silently to himself to stay calm. He reasoned that any movement might further agitate the brutish demon. Black Devil considered the effect of his handgun on the twenty foot monster. That’s a negative…that would be like a bb gun on a grizzly bear. On the other hand his flare gun might do the trick. Black Devil could hear the raspy breath of the demon through the glass. He could hear the slow flapping of its wings. His only hope would be to remain motionless and just pray the thing would lose interest and fly away. But where would it fly to? Where was it from and as a secondary consideration what was the connection between the apparent malfunction of his craft and the full blown demon hitchhiking on its hood? Was this demon responsible for halting his plane in mid-flight? Maybe so but probably not, he thought. If it had that kind of power then its brutish strength was not the only thing to worry about. The creature, if not from hell could certainly pass for one of its residents. My, my… what a picture to bring back home. An honest-to-God demon right out of the burning pits of hell. Yeah, this is one of the very demons that Jesus warned us about so long ago. Yeah, Black Devil meets Grey Demon.
The critical moment seemed to have arrived when a decision had to be made. Black Devil slowly reached for his flare gun and wrapped the fingers of his left hand around the ejection seat release. He braced himself for the force of the ensuing thrust. Suddenly…inexplicably, the creature leapt from the craft and disappeared into the milky mist of the clouds. Black Devil was puzzled for the moment and elated at the same time. He had not expected such a hasty retreat from his attacker. He breathed a sigh of relief. Perhaps the whole thing was coming to an end. His strategy had worked he thought. Just lay low and bore the thing into disinterest. Now he assumed that this was the part where his craft slowly begins to move and all instruments begin to function normally. All systems go. He released his grip on the ejector and relaxed his muscles as best he could. The adrenalin was still pumping in anticipation of the battle and he didn’t know how much more of the nightmare he could take. Somebody punch me and wake me up please. He began wishing for that fictitious flying saucer to pull up along side and wisk him away from the whole bloody mess. He missed the music from before… the soothing violin filling his headset. He mused that when he got back on the ground he would retire the name Black Devil and maybe change it to Big Daddy. Something down to earth… light and funny. The wife and the kids would love that. If he did survive this thing he vowed to make some changes. If he opened his mouth about this episode in the sky his superiors would probably make those changes for him regardless. He thought instead that he would keep it to himself and maybe get that desk job.
#
It was the distinctive moan of buckling metal and the abrupt tilt of the craft that alerted Black Devil that his demonic companion had returned to taunt him. Looking to the right he saw the winged creature plop back down on the side of his cockpit and ,with one grand swipe, dig its claws into the window just barely protecting Black Devil. To his horror he heard the crackle of glass as the windshield shattered. Adding to his disbelief to his left he saw another winged monster light onto the left wing and then still another quickly flying out of the clouds toward the nose of the craft.
The first creature peeled back the super alloy around the broken glass, reached in and yanked him from the cockpit. As he was lifted from his seat by the powerful arm, he cradled the flare gun to his chest and seconds later heard the oxygen hoses snap in two. He screamed as the demon dangled him in the air forcing him to stare ever so deep into its evil sardonic face. He saw all hope vanish when the other two creatures together rocked the disintegrating plane back and forth like some celestial seesaw and began tearing holes in the hull as if it were tissue paper. In a last act of desperation Black Devil took aim with the flaregun and fired point blank at his would be executioner hitting it squarely in the face. The impact of the flare did nothing, barely phasing the hellish brute. This was the moment of truth and Black Devil knew what came next.
As the creature let loose with a victorious roar, Black Devil closed his eyes and in silent resignation helplessly sent a prayer out to God… The Father…The Son…The Deliverer… to whatever was out there.
The irony was not lost on Black Devil. His final breath would be drawn in uncertainty and confusion. His life would be taken cruelly by his namesake.
He waited for the creature to finish the job but to his shock he sensed that something was wrong. The two creatures on his plane ceased their rampage and looked as if they were listening for something. Black Devil saw them exchange apparent expressions of concern… worried glances.
What now, he thought. Is the granddaddy demon coming to claim the prize or what? The monster lowered its arm and looked inquisitively up above. Black Devil too searched the sky for a sign of what they were sensing.
Bolts of lightning began dancing about from cloud to cloud. He craned his neck and then looked at the demon’s face. Suddenly in a blinding flash a bolt of fire descended from above slicing through the right wing of the demon holding Black Devil. It fell away and dropped silently below in the sea of clouds. The demon roared in anguish. Nostrils flared and its eyes glowed an ominous red. The injury infuriated the monster but only for a moment. A second strike lopped off its head with startling efficiency. The two remaining monsters howled in anger. They took flight from the scene attempting to escape a similar fate. All the while Black Devil hung in the air next to his broken vessel. The winds began to swirl like some sort of heavenly tornado. The lightning increased and it seemed as if the clouds were super charged with shimmering light. Black Devil watched in astonishment as the clouds changed shape and formed what he recognized to be another immense winged creature… but of a different kind. It was ten times the size of the demon creatures and it wielded a sword of radiant light. Black Devil tried to distinguish detailed features of the being but was all but blinded by the sight of it. What he did see however was the two retreating demons stopped abruptly in flight and held in similar fashion as Black Devil and his craft. The wings of the captured creatures flapped defiantly even as the two were bathed in white light and transformed into blanched stone. The being swept them up with its “hands” and crushed them to ashen dust.
With that the wind and the clouds began to calm. He turned to see the remains of his techno-plane tumble down into the clouds ever smaller and then finally gone. Still he hung in the air himself…exhausted and unencumbered by any military means of support. His head began to swim and when he tried to keep his eyes open he could not. The violins of Tchaikowsky mysteriously again played in his head and he breathed the air from a life support system that had moments ago plummeted to the ground far below. He smiled and succumbed to the darkness once again.
#
Dozens of military personnel descended upon Black Devil and his stealth airship when they appeared out of nowhere on the base landing strip. As far as they could tell he had landed unassisted and undetected by instruments on the ground. The military welcome wagon had many questions and Black Devil knew an extensive de-briefing session would soon follow. They had their questions and he certainly had his own about the mysterious ordeal. His stealth aircraft was back, spit polished as if brand new. No evidence of any damage could be found. In the days that followed the event would be characterized as malfunctions of equipment on both ends. No other explanation made any sense and Black Devil made no other.
He longed to see his family. It was what anchored him to reality. His reality would never be the same though, not if he trusted his senses and believed the bizarre events. His universe would now include the fantastic, the monstrous and the wondrous. If it was not out there in the cosmos, it was certainly somewhere in his head. He was no longer master of all he surveyed. It was as if the creator had intended to shake him up and thump him on the head. The caretaker of the cosmos flexed its muscles that day but in a way that told Black Devil that he was significant. Why bother with the magic show if not to refresh his perspective? From 50,000 feet at mach 3 with the infinite universe above and teeming life below, one can afford to consider new possibilities in heaven and on earth. And so it was with Black Devil.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Freeman


There were times when I was small that I watched my father as he slept on the couch or napped in his recliner in the den. I studied the lines on his face and measured the intervals of his breaths as his chest moved slightly up and down. I watched him for those brief periods and I silently wondered back then what would I do if he never woke up. What if he just suddenly and inexplicably stopped? I must admit I had no clue as to how I would get by and live beyond that moment if he failed to ever once again open his eyes and resume his normal routine of being the good father that he was. I have disjointed memories of him. Pictures both physical and mental and also moments of experience that defined him for me. Long rides in the back seat of the family car permeated with his cigarette smoke. Church services where I listened to him sing beside me or even in the choir with that distinctive high harmony immediately identifying him as Freeman Anson Otis. The pup tent he built in our yard for me as a young boy, encouraging me to play out side. Late evenings tossing the baseball back and forth and then later his fruitless efforts to teach me the game of golf in our yard on Michigan Avenue. A letter he wrote to me scolding me for the issue of my hair and what the punishment would be ( raking the leaves in the yard) for the subsequent disharmony it caused within our family. Saturday mornings spent in bed as I heard the early morning silence broken by the lawnmower engine cranked up and repeatedly passing by my window. It was a chore he loved...at least that's what he told me. There was an early Sunday morning when my father showed tremendous restraint when he met me at the family front door at 6:30 am as I was just getting getting home from a night out of drinking and sexual hijinks still sporting an air of defiance. He was a kind and gentle man with infinite patience but he was not perfect. I remember one morning at our kitchen table when my dad gathered us all around him and tearfully asked for our forgiveness for an indiscretion that could have conceivably torn our family apart.... but it didn't. Where other men might have walked away he stayed and I admired him for that. Those moments that race back and forth through time out of order, and stumbling over each other in their effort to remind me of who he was, appear in my head from time to time and I just stop what I'm doing and reflect on them.
We nearly lost my father on three separate occasions over the years all related to his heart. In May of 2005 he died quietly at home in the early morning hours with my mother and sister close by and a hospice nurse in attendance who verified that his heart just finally stopped beating. I had said my final goodbye to him about a week before but was not there at the moment of death. I suppose I thought that he would never die if I just refused to accept it. At the funeral I was just numb...blocking out the reality that stared me in the face...that he was with us one minute and gone the next. It was a helpless feeling. Before on my visits to my parents home in Birmingham I would always make a point to look through the many photo albums that my mother had taken the time to put together over the decades. Some pictures were of course from my childhood but the ones I really enjoyed were the older photos from before I was ever born and when my parents were youngsters themselves. One of my favorites was a picture of my dad ( 8 or 9 years old) sitting in a single classroom school in Blackduck, Minnesota posing for a class picture wearing a big smile and overalls with a head of hair that reminded me of Opie Taylor on the Andy Griffith show. Others were from his time in the army stationed in Paris and then later some wonderful photos of both my mom and dad while they were dating and then newly married. Those photos regrettably were lost this past April when my mother's house was destroyed by the devastating tornado that passed over Pleasant Grove.
In the midst of all the destruction I could not help but think of those albums. Even though lives were spared while possessions were lost I was angry that Nature had seen fit to destroy such valuable family documents that had been so carefully preserved for so long. So much of our family was in those albums and each picture served as a touchstone to a vast collection of treasured experiences. My conversations with my father toward the end revolved around his childhood in the backwoods of Minnesota and times spent on the farm there. His father would take him along on his visits to nearby Indian communities where he bought goods from them and he recalled how the family car spooked the horses of the Indians when they arrived. My father hunted and fished in those backwoods as a boy and it broke his heart when they lost the family farm to foreclosure. He carried that with him throughout his life and I believe it was the thing that made him work so hard for his own family later in life. When I was a baby my father used to rock me to sleep with soft whispered church hymns that he knew by heart but the one lullaby that I remember the most was an odd folk song called "Old Uncle Ned" and in my later years we talked and laughed about it because of the controversial nature of it's subject matter. My dad had just picked it up from somewhere and sang the lyrics as well as he knew them. I found out later that it was a pre-Civil War minstrel song,written by Stephen Foster in 1864, about a beloved slave that had died. As I write this now I can still hear his voice singing those lyrics..."so pick up the fiddle and the bow, lay down the shovel and the hoe...for there's no more work for Old Uncle Ned...he's gone where the good darkies go." For me, the context of the song and what it meant really did not matter to me. I loved the sound of his voice when he sang that distinctive melody. It was my dad that first encouraged me to play the guitar and I made a point of learning "Old Uncle Ned" so that it would never be lost to me.
I told my father that I loved him frequently and when I said my goodbyes to head back home after quick visits to my parents home I always hugged him with a strong lingering hug. It's really all a person can do when you care about someone that much. No words or embraces can suffice when faced with the prospect of death. There can be no final satisfying moment when you feel that you've said everything you wanted to say. Words fail and moments cannot be frozen in time. And as it concerns my father and me, I will always want just one more hug from my dad.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Deliverer

It is done

Her fate is sealed

Not by God or Destiny

But by her own hand


With stern determination she will fight

Defying what she sees as inevitable

Longing to undo what has kept her down

rebelling against what she sees as her only path


She will cry and weep at her own misfortune

She will curse God for the person that she is thus far

And pray to become the one that she wants to be

And in the end what she fears most will still come to pass


Not by God or Destiny

But by her own hand

She will be The Deliverer

And history will repeat itself


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Small Talk At The Macaroni Grill


R: I would tell you that you haven't changed a bit, but that would be a lie.
C: Am I supposed to be hurt by that...forever young, is that what you want?
That's a romantic notion and total bullshit.
R: I was going to say that you've aged gracefully, but I guess that isn't what you'd expect from me.
C: Nobody expects that from you. Everybody tells me you're...I don't know...stuck.
R: What do you mean... everybody?
C: Our classmates...the old gang. What...does that surprise you? You don't think other people keep in touch? Isn't that why I'm here?
R: You know...I thought I saw you the other day...at the mall in Baton Rouge.
C: Really...you should have said something...we could have had coffee or something then.
R: No, you don't understand. I realized it wasn't you but just wishful thinking on my part.
And now that I see you, I see it was just a figment of my imagination. It was how I
wanted you to be.
C: Oh, I see...and now you're disappointed at the real me. Seriously...I can't imagine what your expectations were.
R: Just bear with me...okay? I'm just like you. I've lived my life...raised a family...worked a job
gotten older. But lately I've been thinking about how it all adds up...or maybe how it doesn't
add up.
C: How what adds up...I don't understand. You're not making sense.
R: Do you remember in high school...you wrote in my yearbook.
C: Dear, I wrote in all of your yearbooks. Which one are you talking about? You can't possibly expect me...
R: It was something about how you hoped I would finally find that island to live on. When I re- read it recently I was confused too. It must have been something I said to you...maybe in a moment of self doubt. I think I must have been dreading the end of high school or something. But you... you were anxious for it to end. I remember.
C: You and me were already over...surely you remember that. I was never that hung up on old relationships.
R: You do know that I was just following you. I only went to LSU to be near you...Christ what a disaster!
C: Yeah, well...lessons learned...bridges burned... what's with all this nostalgia lately. That was a dozen dress sizes and two chins ago.
I haven't looked like that in decades. You know the real issue here isn't you and me. It's just you boo hooing over lost youth. I watched the videos. All those old photos. You just don't want to grow old.
R: Hmmph, very funny. First I treated it like art, you know...I separated myself from the emotions and treated it like a philosophical viewpoint...that true love never dies.
C: Is that what you really believe?
R: It's what I wanted to be true. What do I really believe? I believe it dies often and endlessly. And it turns into something else.
C: Let me guess...a bitter sweet memory?
R: A white-washed sterilized version of itself. A passionless memory devoid of any meaning.
No matter how much I tried, I couldn't make it mean anything. How about you...did it mean anything to you?
C: Of course it did...at the time. It was the same thing for me as it was for everybody we knew.
R: Only infatuation...is that what you're going to say?
C: Hmm, I was going to say practice...practice for the mature relationships we would eventually have.
R: But you did love me then...I didn't make that up, did I? I didn't just imagine it.
C: Let me answer this way. It's 40 years later and I'm sitting here with you now. Make what you will of it.
R: Are we gonna split this check?

Friday, February 25, 2011

Pisces

Tonight I will sleep
a restless sleep.
and dream of what I've lost.
Tomorrow I will be empty
and for many days to come.
An empty space
that no one else can fill.
That is what you meant to me
but I could never say.

Monday, January 24, 2011

The You and Me









Pale green
is that what you said?
or was it me?
no matter

You are more beautiful today
It must be so, but it was me
I lingered too long
listened too intently

You are more beautiful today
for I no longer see you with my eyes