We called her The Goddess but her name was simply Susan. She was an unassuming and delicate example of teenage femininity. A template for a prom queen without the backseat reputation. She was that girl in the church youth group that could not be tempted beyond the limitations of her faith and moral belief. The constant that made God smile and know that His creation was good. And she was beautiful but not sexy. God's flower. Alluring but incorruptible. Our one desire was to bask in the aura of her virginal innocence...her purity, such was our feelings of unworthiness. In our eyes she was a modern day Delphic oracle or like Remedias The Beauty in that novel where men from surrounding towns would flock to church, not to worship God but to merely gaze upon her face. And like Remedias we suspected that because of what she was, she would never grow old and die, but would instead be lifted up into heaven one day deserting the world that did not deserve her. I was 21 years old and still looking for a girl who could save me...save me from myself, and although I worshiped her from afar I never attempted to express any romantic intentions toward her outwardly. She was an unattainable dream. I never understood how those who managed to actually go out with her could find her "boring."
Tammy was a different story. She was pretty, but approachable. I liked her for her long red hair and ginger complexion. I suppose I was attracted by her girlish-opey- type wholesomeness with that slight mix of nerdishness. It was probably her glasses that created that impression. Tammy was the dutiful Christian girl who was open to new experience but still kept her bible close by as a kind of security blanket and life manual in case of emergencies. I recall how she took to heart a particular message relayed to a teenage congregation from the pulpit of a youth minister one evening. I was there and it went a little something like this. "When you young ladies find yourself in situations where these young men test your virtue, just lay down the word of God, the Holy Bible ...just lay it on the couch or car seat between the two of you and defy him to cross that line. By the time he gets through Matthew, Mark , Luke and John he will understand what you are about." I found it amusing and I also took it to heart but in a different way. Tammy and I went out after awhile and on that first date I decided to be a smart ass. No surprises there.
I spent the early afternoon creating a mix tape of my favorite songs . One side consisting of my favorite fast songs for the trip over to New Orleans and the other side consisting of slow romantic tunes for later in the evening. I also brought my bible and I hid it under my car seat. After the movie we took a short drive over to the lakefront for the stated intention of looking at the Mardi Gras fountain there. My real reason was of course to make out. We walked around for awhile and held hands as we walked. Eventually I mustered the courage to steal a kiss... and it was all downhill after that ... but not right away. When we got back to the car I reached beneath my seat and conspicuously placed the bible between myself and Tammy. Her reaction was not immediately negative but she eventually came to the conclusion that I was mocking her. I suppose that instead of just teasing her I had inadvertently challenged her to break the rule,to be a hypocrite and quickly break the rule...the rule that had been preached from the pulpit. She passed the test and I didn't. I'll never know what would have happened had I not pulled the little stunt and just let things occur naturally, but it never dawned on me that maybe it was she who was giving me the chance to prove that I was a virtuous man. Maybe I had been before...at one time... but at that time...that year...I was admittedly a guy in retrograde rejecting the notion that God could circumvent the sexual drive of women when tested. I ask myself now why I chose to pursue women in church instead of going elsewhere. Eventually I did, but not before I tried a few more times with other girls. Brenda failed the test before I ever got to her, but Marilyn was in a class with Susan the Goddess.
I think back then I was trying to accomplish two things at the same but I just didn't realize it.
One was of course sexual gratification. The other was a little fuzzier and it had to do with my own personal justification for abandoning the moral values I had been taught all my life. I was never looking for true virtue, I was instead looking for the cracks that would shatter the illusion of morality. It was I think more a test of God and Christianity than it was a search for any one virtuous woman. There would be many virtuous women out there but then there was me...a guy in retrograde shaking his fist at God and slamming the church door behind him, eventually seeking morality and sex in bars and pool halls.
I recently had a conversation with a girl at work who, when observing the behavior of a rude woman, stated "that woman needs Jesus, either that or she needs to get laid." Hardly thinking I quickly retorted."maybe she needs to get laid by Jesus." In hindsight I hope God and Jesus, if They are out there, will forgive me. As I said before way back then... I'm just a guy in retrograde
